Well, I tried.  Got shot down, but I tried.

So, it turns out that over the past semester or so, I've developed really strong feelings for Karissa.  I've felt really weird about it.  So tonight I finally talked to her, and basically asked her if she wanted to have an open relationship.  Should have taken it as a sign when as we were walking to the car before I asked her, she said, "So...I'm hoping I can find a way to catch a ride with Matt tonight...hehehe..."  I know she really cares about him.  But I really care about her, so I at least had to ask.  At least I got it out, though.  Hope she doesn't get weirded out by it or anything, but yeah...

So I'm still alone, with no one to make me feel worthwhile.  I just want to be #1 to someone...just for a while....

So here we are...
We are alone.
There's weight on your mind.
I wanna know
The truth.
If this is how you feel,
Say it to me.
If this was ever real.

I want the truth
From you.
Give me the truth,
Even if it hurts me.
I want the truth
From you.
Give me the truth,
Even if it hurts me.

I want the truth

So this is you...
You talking to me.
You found a million ways to let me down,
So I'm not hurt when you're not around.
I was blind,
But now I see:
This is how you feel.
Say it to me.
If this was ever real.

I know that this will break me.
I know that this might make me cry.
You gotta say what's on your mind, on your mind.
I know that this will hurt me
And break my heart and soul inside,
But I don't wanna live this life...

Lol...the closest thing I've got to a relationship lies somewhere between Karissa and Tauris...pathetic.

Dammit...I hate being like this.  I'm in one of those moods where my defenses are up big time, and I'm ready to snap at anyone who so much as looks at me wrong.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly being shat on, and today's one of those days where I'm ready to fight to not feel like that.  I think I need mood stabalizers.

Apparantly I'm just on a posting-spree tonight.  I'm just...arg...I'm a fucking cornicopia of emotions tonight...overflowing, with nowhere to direct them except onto some computer-generated journal that no one I know reads.

Everyone needs to feel needed...loved.....at least appreciated.  You need to feel like you matter to someone or something in SOME way, beit an organization, a significant other, a best friend, your family...anyone who has any sort of significance in your life.  Just one person.  One person who, if it came down to it, would take half of your pain upon themselves, just so that you wouldn't hurt as badly.  Who would do that for me?  That's why I feel so alone.  It's not that I care if I'm in a relationship or not.  It's just that I want to feel that someone really does care if I exist or not.  Why exist when no one notices you?  Would even one thing or person stop running, or be truely heartbroken if something happened to you?  It's when the answer is no that you hurt the most.  And it's when you hurt the most that you just wish with all your heart...that someone could be there to take the pain away.  And it's then that you realize that you have no one.  It's then that you turn to a computer-generated journal, because you don't have anywhere real towards which to direct your feelings. 

I just typed out an almost-complete entry, only to have it completely erased!!  Bastards!!  Ok, so basically, here goes again:

Rant I: Commitment

Don't commit to something and then fall through!  Don't sign up to work at a bake sale, and then not show up, leaving those working before you hanging, when they may have other shit to do.  It's rude and inconsiderate.  Don't ditch your friends for some bitch whose ass you've crawled up in.  If you make plans to hang out with your best friend whom you haven't hung out with in weeks (because if you're not in classes, you're working; if you're not working, you're with her; if you're not with her, you're on the fucking phone with her, regardless of those around you) and then bail on him, don't be surprised when he is pissed as hell.  He has every right to be!

Rant II:  Friends

Don't ditch your friends to crawl up in some bitch's ass!  Don't forget about the people who've been there for you in the past and have learned to count on you.  You're going to wake up one day and realize that you have NO friends left, because you left them a long time ago.  You'll then start to resent that "someone" whom you ditched everyone else for, and end up breaking ties with them.  You'll be left with no one.  What's sad is that your true friends will probably be there for you, to be the doormat that you made them a long time ago.

Have respect for other people!  If you look at a situation and would hate to be in the other person's shoes, do something to change the situation!  If you don't want to be treated like shit by someone, don't treat them like shit!  It's NOT rocket science!  It's simple human decency.  End.of.story.

I just needed a place to type again.  I don't know what to do or how I feel.  Luc's coming back.  He calls up out of the blue the night I move into my new apartment.  Says he's leaving the next day for a 4-month cruise.  Wants to come over and talk.  He never ended up coming, but kept in touch while out cruising.  IMs and emails and such.  He's back now.  Wants to hang out on Thursday.  I just don't know how I feel about it.  I miss him...I really do.  But it's not like I just accepted his apology and went on with life a couple of times...it repeatedly happened, and I'm so afraid of getting involved with that again.  I'm just...scared.  Scared of being cared about, scared of caring about someone...scared that once one or both of those happen, I'm going to end up hurting...